If your computer screen is wide enough, you should be able to see the panoramic view of Jaan. If you sit on the right of the restaurant, you see HDB and the left, you see oil tankers. Lovely view, huh?

But even the view couldn’t distract me from the handsome waiters. Aiyo, so handsome, you know. I was so shy to look them in the eyes. I, Ah beng, sex-changed to ah lian here. The Indian waiter, Arun, has eyes like the Afghan girl on National Geographic, you know, emerald eyes ringed with hazel iris. And his eyelashes flutter so beautifully, they are so long, as long as Snuffy’s, Big Bird’s gay friend, the brown elephant. And you think Ernie and Bert are the only gay couple on Sesame Street? The other waiter, Ken, is bald and has an egg-shaped head like Patrick Stewart (Star Trek), attractive in an alternative way. When Ken smiles, he lights up the room. Aiyo, Arun is Brad Pitt, everyone likes, and charismatic Ken is like that Coldplay guy who got Gwyneth Paltrow. How to concentrate on the view?

And the patrons here were so goodlooking. Actually, Arun and Ken were just smokescreen. Got one patron who looked like Pinocchio. He has a blackberry, iphone and bogetta wallet, which means he didn’t come from Old Money and works his way up to the top. I admire a man like that. Next time I want a boyfriend, I will hang out at Jaan. Seriously.

Ok, ok, the food. There is a choice of 3-course ($64) or 5-course ($96) and the lunch includes either stilled or sparkling water. I so suaku leh. I didn’t know the lunch includes water, so I asked for tapped. In high class restaurants hor, the waiters are out to trick you. When they ask you “stilled (mineral) or sparkling,” and if you choose one of them, you have to pay for water! So you should always say “tapped water,” which is free. Trust me, it is NOT worth spending $20 on a bottle of mineral water. My sis and I both took the 3-course one. No money leh.

Freebie! Amuse-bouche. Radish, rock melon, carrot and beet root. The colors were beautiful and the presentation was marvelous. Unfortunately, the taste sucked. My home also got carrot to eat leh.

..and grilled eel. The eel was very sly, and hid under the leaf. I thought horseradish comes in liquid form (you from from bottles in supermarket) but I was wrong. The bits melted in the mouth, not in your hands. I so suaku have never tasted eel in its original form (I only eat unagi mah, those Jap eel, french eel is white one). I can’t say much for the presentation because I dislike singular things, make the food look so lonely and sad. Seriously. And again, it failed the taste test. The horseradish was fun to eat but the eel was completely tasteless. The texture wasn’t good, wasn’t chewy; more like soggy bread.

DISH OF THE DAY! The free bread! From nearest, going in an anti-clockwise, Black Truffle bread, olive bread, baguette and sour dough with (1) cheese butter and (2) salted butter. Forget about the baguette and sour dough and attack the olive bread and truffle bread. I hate olives but in this instance, the olive really brought out the sweetness of the carbs in bread. But Wow, the truffle bread was in a class of its own. The taste was very…truffley. Every inch of the bread was dotted with truffle.

The taitais at the next table only used the cheese butter, which tasted like milk gone sour and stank like that. So High Crass they all. I can understand eating blue cheese with wine because the wine changes the tastebuds, so the stench of the blue cheese is somehow transformed to fragrance. But to eat stinky cheese like this? My sis and I, two ah-lians, didn’t know how to appreciate worh.

Finally, the 3-courses begun. Appetizer. One big fat wanton with oxtail meat…but the restaurant calls it “oxtail ravioli with foie gras sauce.” Why did the restaurant do oxtail foie gras ravoli? I would have love that.

It tasted exactly like shredded beef wanton lor. Passable but nothing extraordinary. I think Crystal Jade Xiao Long Bao is nicer.

Roasted chicken with asparagus and foam of morel (a fungus). At first, when we asked Ken, what the foam was made of, because he speaks with a (vietnamese?) accent, we thought he said, “foam of more emotions.” It’s just emotions taking me over….caught up in the sorrow…lost in the song.

So anyway, this is the main course?!?! SO huge portion hor? And the taste of it…I have eaten better chicken rice at hawker centers that taste less dry.

Another freebie! My Ah Lian sister said, the food wasn’t very good, but lots of freebies leh.

The top layer was–you can never guess it from the taste–foam of lime and lemon. It was so sweet with only a slight hint of lime and lemon. I used to wonder why top restaurants bother doing foam, because it’s mostly air, few calories, and difficult to make. But I guess it is the same reason with cucumber sandwiches. In the 19th century, cucumber sandwiches were very popular with the rich because it didn’t have much calories and could not fill you up. It wasn’t because the rich were afraid of getting fat (last time, the fatter you were, the more beautiful); it was because it showed their status, they didn’t need the calories because they didn’t need to work. So food is used as a class divide. And foam in this case too is to show that only high class people can appreciate it. So my readers will know that I’m ah beng lah… I am for food for the masses…so I really don’t like foam.

The second layer is hawthorn juice. Actually hor, hawthorn is used in some Chinese herbal drinks and you may have drunk it before, it has a slightly bitter, biting taste. But in this case, the hawthorn juice is surprisingly light and sweet.

The last layer is white chocolate panna cotta.

I like sweet things so I like this pre-dessert dessert. But all three layers are very sweet and I wonder if the chef could have layered the taste a bit.

All different chocolates, infused with different things, like pecan ice-cream, nutmeg ice cream, mousse, etc. Ok lah, what can go wrong with chocolate? Do you know that those people who love chocolate also love sex? Since everyone loves sex, everyone loves chocolate. Average chocolate, not orgasmic.

Overall, the ambience is wonderful. The service was the best I had in Singapore. The waiters were polite and friendly–very difficult to get the right balance–and helpful, without being overbearing. The food needs to be improved.

The meal turned out to very expensive for lunch. $75 per person after gst. But Jaan is the #4 restaurant in ASIA. And it was a good experience to go once. But until I hear that the food turns better, then will I return.

Jaan

Swissotel 70th Floor

T: 6431 5670